When I feel like this, I don’t talk about it much. In fact, it’s hard to have a conversation with anybody about anything. Sometimes I’ll get caught in a conversation - standing in line at the grocery store, and the lady behind me rolls her eyes and says, “I always pick the wrong line” I want to respond appropriately (however that is), but I don’t say anything. I try to smile so the woman doesn’t think I’m being a prude. I think, I want to slit my wrists; why are you talking about this small delay?
I bump into a friend at the shopping center, and I tell her, “I’m depressed” and she asks, “Why?” I can see in her eyes that she thinks I’m having a “bad hair day.” Maybe my stockings ran. Maybe I chipped a nail, or couldn’t find my favorite shampoo. Maybe my son is being unruly. I shake my head and listen to her talk about the sweater she just found at some great price and I think, “I just want to hang myself in the garage or take a bottle of pills.” That’s what I don’t say to people.
Saran Wrap commercials make me cry. My husband asks me, “What is the matter with you?” The laundry sits in a pile and I can’t get to it. The phone rings and I can’t answer it. My son’s teacher wants to talk to me about my son (who is brilliant, but can’t get around to doing his homework), and I want to run away.
I am intelligent. I know my son’s school work is the most important thing on the planet not just to my son’s teacher, my son and my husband, but also to me. Theoretically, I should return her call immediately and wade into whatever the issue is, but I can’t. I want to, but I’m afraid because in my state of depression, the English language doesn’t make sense. I worry that my son’s teacher won’t get the intelligent response she wants. I fear I will not manage to convey the “appropriate” level of understanding and caring. I know I will cry and embarrass myself and the teacher. I’ll look like a fool.
If I try to let somebody know how I am feeling, I just know they will tell me that I am too self-involved, being silly or that I need to think about my family and accomplish something and that will make me feel better. I agree, but then again…
I’m depressed.
-Marti
**http://www.everydayhealth.com/blog/making-sense-of-depression/im-depressed/
